This entry was posted on January 22, 2025 by Charlotte Bell.
Over the years, I have participated in many metta meditation retreats at Spirit Rock Meditation Center. A few years ago, another participant asked a question that I think many of us were struggling with. Metta (kindness) is considered a limitless and inclusive state. So how can we practice metta for people who cause great harm to the world?
The Pali word, metta, has no direct English equivalent. We often translate it as benevolence, goodwill, conviviality or simply kindness. Metta is the first of brahma viharas (divine abodes), in Buddhist practice. The brahma viharas include four qualities: metta, karuna (compassion), mudita (sympathetic joy) and upekha (equanimity). With practice, these qualities can become “divine dwelling places” for us. They become habits of the mind and heart. They become our home base, the foundation of our thoughts, our intentions and our actions.
Practicing Metta meditation
In the practice of metta meditation, we begin by cultivating kindness toward those who are easiest for us. These can include our loved ones, human and non-human. We then move on to practicing kindness to ourselves. From there, we show goodwill to our mentors, family, and friends. These categories of beings can quite easily evoke kind feelings for us.
After spending time in these categories, metta meditation progresses to more challenging groups. If our kindness is to be limitless, we cannot exclude people outside our circle of loved ones. The next category is “neutral” people. These are people we don’t really know. They might include someone we work with, but don’t really know; or someone we see at the grocery store, at our favorite restaurant, or in another everyday situation. In a future article, I will explain the deeper meaning of this category.
The final frontier, of course, is the “difficult person,” or, less critically, “the person we have difficulty with.” We’ve all known experienced people who we don’t really connect with. This can range from minor differences of opinion to threats or abuse. Why should we devote our goodwill to people who have hurt us or people we love? If our metta is to be unlimited, how can we practice in a way that feels authentic?
The practice
Metta meditation is taught in different ways. In the tradition I learned, we practice sending kindness to the categories listed in the section above. We use phrases to help us generate feelings of goodwill. (Below are expressions that have evolved for me over time. Please note that there are many ways to phrase these expressions depending on your own preferences.):
- May you be safe.
- May you be happy.
- May you be healthy.
- May you live with ease.
In another article, I can explain how we might modify these phrases or suggest others that might resonate.
In the meantime, you can find much more detailed instructions for practicing in this article.
Who are our “difficult people”?
There are several categories of people with whom we can have difficulties. They range from mildly difficult to threatening or frightening.
- Friends or family members with whom we are having a minor disagreement. These are people we care about, but with whom we have slight difficulties.
- People who have upset us in some way, whether verbally or physically, through threats or cruelty.
- Political figures who cause harm to a large number of beings.
How to practice Metta meditation towards the difficult
In practicing metta meditation, it is most beneficial to start where it is easiest. We begin practicing with easy beings so that we can generate a foundation of kindness that will be easier to extend to more difficult people. So when you decide to jump into the difficult category, it’s a good idea to start with someone from the first group above. These are people we care about and with whom we have a slight or temporary disagreement.
People who have upset or threatened us are more difficult to deal with. For years, I lived next door to a man who suffered from schizophrenia. He threatened my partner and me constantly, mainly verbally, but on one occasion, physically. He spent a few days in jail for that, and I ended up getting a court harassment injunction against him when he violated his probation. For years, until he moved out, I was afraid to work in my own garden because of his threats. In metta practice, I didn’t feel safe inviting him into my personal space. But I could still generate kindness toward him if I imagined he was halfway around the world, where he couldn’t hurt me.
Metta towards a person harmful to power
The most difficult metta practice for me was offering kindness to a political figure who is causing immeasurable harm. Wishing them happiness, good health, etc., was impossible. When asked how to approach this, one of the Spirit Rock teachers suggested this phrase: May you be free from hatred. That’s because it’s hatred, after all, that drives people to do harm. Practicing metta in this way does not condone the harm that person causes. Instead, it is a skillful way to free ourselves from the poison of hatred in our minds and hearts. Although I’m not yet at the point where I can wish my particularly difficult political character to be happy, I can honestly wish for him to be free of hatred.
Repairing Friendship Through Metta Meditation
For several years, I used as a “difficult person” a friend/colleague who had, on several occasions, disguised me in public. While I’m fine with constructive criticism, the way the person approached it was very hurtful and caused rifts in our shared community. As a result, we separated for several years. Yet, I continued to practice metta for the person in retreat.
After a few years, I was on a metta meditation retreat, ready to make him/her my difficult person again. But I was happy to realize that my feelings for him/her were no longer painful. At that point, the person returned to my “friends and family” category. Later, we met for lunch and I talked to him about how my practice was evolving for them. We spoke honestly and kindly and were able to resolve our differences. Since then, we have become close friends again.
In some ways, practicing kindness comes down to how do we want to live in these minds and hearts? Do we want to live in hatred and resentment? (Remember: Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for someone else to die.) Or do we want our baseline to be kindness and caring? We become what we practice. Practicing metta, even for those who are difficult, can help us live with greater ease and peace.
About Charlotte Bell
Charlotte Bell discovered yoga in 1982 and began teaching in 1986. Charlotte is the author of Mindful Yoga, Mindful Life: A Guide for Everyday Practice, and Yoga for Meditators, both published by Rodmell Press. Her third book is Hip-Healthy Asana: The Yoga Practitioner’s Guide to Protecting the Hips and Avoiding SI Joint Pain (Shambhala Publications). She writes a monthly column for CATALYST magazine and is the editor-in-chief of Yoga U Online. Charlotte is a founding board member of GreenTREE Yoga, a nonprofit organization that brings yoga to underserved populations. A lifelong musician, Charlotte plays oboe and English horn in the Salt Lake Symphony and the folk sextet Red Rock Rondo, whose DVD won two Emmy Awards.